How to quiet down your negative self-talk

Hi friends,

I was recently interviewed by for her amazing publication about The Author Ecosystems. I was also introduced to through them as well, who also interviewed me. I read both publications, and I thank Claire both for being an amazing writer, but also introducing me to so much amazing writing.

If you haven’t read their work yet, I recommend this post.

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This year, I want to really get better at quieting my negative self-talk. I also want to train my brain to stop believing false narratives like:

• I’ll never grow my Substack following

• I’ll never finish my memoir

• I’ll never be able to truly make enough money to be comfortable

• You should have your life figured out by now 

This isn’t anything new—I’ve worked on my limiting beliefs for years, but just like trying to change any other habit, it takes work and consistency. 

The reason why I want to make it a priority this year is because I want more peace in my life, especially in stressful times. I noticed when life gets more challenging (certain clients let me go or cut my hours, worrying about my elderly parents dying) the negative voice grows louder. 

Recently, I was listening to The Mel Robbins Podcast. The podcast guest was Dr. Paul Conti, a psychiatrist and author. He said to picture your inner critic as a person. Imagine this individual following you around all day and telling you you’re not smart enough, that you’ll never get that job, or run that half-marathon.

Dr. Conti’s analogy struck me because it made me realize how I had slipped back into unhealthy inner conversations. At that moment, I decided to work on this and make it a goal for the New Year and beyond. 

Why do we talk negatively to ourselves? 

Psychologists and professionals who study the brain say that from an evolutionary standpoint, we’re wired to gravitate to the negative because it was a survival mechanism. Back in the hunter gatherer days, if you picked berries that were delicious, great. But if you chose poisonous berries that caused illness or death, you paid attention to that. 

Humans evolved to stay in tune with negative threats. Those who did were more likely to survive, but also passed down those genes that made them more attentive to danger.

Building awareness to negative self-talk

Over the years, I read a lot of books, especially in the self-help and memoir genres. I wanted to know how people pulled themselves out of the dark and how they learned to live their best lives. 

I was profoundly changed after reading “101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think,” by Brianna Weist. It helped me to see that my thoughts were merely a compilation of my past and experiences. It served as the basis of how I formed negative narratives and how I judged myself. It was the filter in how I internalized myself, relationships, and the world around me.  

Another book that helped me better understand my limiting thoughts was Michael Singer’s The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself. It's a more spiritual read than “101 Essays.” Singer discusses how to be more present and let go of painful memories that prevent us from being happy and living our best lives.

After learning more about my thoughts through these two books, I questioned whether my thoughts were true. What was true? 

This is the question I began to explore each time I had a negative thought, like not doing a good job on that project at work. Instead of feeling bad or fear I’d get fired, I started asking myself if it was true. 

• Did my boss or anyone else on the team tell me I was, in fact, doing a terrible job? 

• Were we unable to hit our goals for the quarter, solely based on my performance? 

When I developed a habit of questioning the truth, I became better at letting go of those thoughts. 

Writing my memoir

A year and a half ago, I started writing my memoir. The negative thoughts flooded me. Who’d want to read my story? No one will be interested. Who are you to even write a book anyway? You’ll never finish it. 

I acknowledged these thoughts and just like I did with stressful work situations, began to question whether the thoughts were true. 

• I never wrote a book before, but why not me? 

• Why wouldn’t people be interested in what I’m writing? 

To quiet down these thoughts, or call it an “eff you” to my worst inner critics, I took actionable steps to prove I could get started on a book. I signed up for writing classes and created a Substack to mark my journey to authorship. I shared my Substack newsletters on social media. These are things that I would have never done previously. 

This past month on Substack, I finally turned on my paid subscription even though my negative voice said no one will ever pay me. Maybe so, but I did it anyway because, why not me? 

I still don’t have any paid subscribers, but that’s okay because the point was to just do it. And it’s in the practice of doing that is helping to build resilience against negative self-talk.

How to build awareness

It’s impossible to catch every negative thought. But I pay attention to the ones that consistently surface. I look for thoughts that are on a loop or have patterns. I acknowledge them and observe how I feel in my body. 

Sometimes, the negative chatter is just a fleeting thought that pops in and out—why did I say that dumb joke in the meeting because no one laughed. But other times, it feels weighty. I can tell when I experience a heavier thought because I notice I hold my breath. For me, yoga helps me build a stronger synergy between my thoughts and physical body. 

To counter the moments when I find myself holding my breath, I close my eyes and take deep, calming breaths. I learned about breathing techniques that can help decrease stress and anxiety. I use the 4-7-8 method, which is inhaling for four seconds, holding my breath for seven, and exhaling for eight.

Another awareness technique is giving your negative voice a name—like Ted or Beatrice. This helps you build familiarity, and by giving it an official name, it won’t feel as scary or make you want to avoid the thoughts. With practice, you can just tell yourself, “Oh, it’s just Ted, no biggies.” 

Journaling and writing down these negative thoughts also helped me tremendously. I intentionally pointed them all out on a page. Seeing them written down gave me a sense of control. It felt cathartic. After jotting them down, I started making a point to follow the negative thoughts with a more positive story. 

What are your goals? 

Have you set a few goals for 2024? If so, identify the negative thoughts that might be dimming that vision. Write them down. Ask yourself, are they true? Can you give it a name, like Ted? What’s a more positive story you can tell yourself? 

I hope you’ll join me in an effort to build a more positive mindset for this year. Here are more resources to help you.

• Nature Journal: Effects of positive and negative self-talk on your brain

• Walden University: Positive self-talk makes you happier and more productive

• Brainz Magazine: Using curiosity to stop negative thinking

• The New York Times: Journaling improves your overall health.

I can’t recommend Claire’s work enough. If you resonated with this one, I recommend this one, too.

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